


Go Or Go Ahead

by youreonlylow



Category: Handsome Devil (2016)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, alcohol and drug use, conor's dad is a bit of a dick like usual, conor's relatinship with his parents, family drama and issues, his mom is... better, post final
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:56:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29819757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youreonlylow/pseuds/youreonlylow
Summary: After the final Victor ends up kissing Conor and they go from there. Sneaking around at school, as fun as it is, is not the most practical thing. But how do you navigate a relationship on and off the field? Luckily for them, the rugby season is over and won't start back up until after the Christmas break. As Conor struggles with his father and his own insecurities, Victor has to deal with coming out at school.It is going to focus mainly on Conor's relationship with his parents conflict wise. Also, I wanna make it clear that coming out at school is not gonna be an angst fest just awkward at best so don't worry about that.
Relationships: Conor Masters/Victor
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

It was odd being back here. At the bar. It was the night after the final and the team was celebrating at the local pub. Conor’s parents had just made it to the final play after receiving the news Conor was safe and sound at the stadium. How different it was from last time, especially with his dad.  
Conor had even managed to drag Ned along. He hadn’t put up a fight much more than performative but still, he was glad he had come even though it wasn’t his “scene”. As Ned had put it. They were standing outside in the cool air, along with Victor, taking a break from the heat inside, and his dad, to be transparent. 

Ned finished his pint in a big gulp, “I am gonna find the toilet,” he muttered. Conor watched him go inside. He shifted his gaze. 

“Thanks, by the way,” Conor said quietly, “For throwing me the ball.”

“Oh, yeah, don’t worry about that! I knew you could do it.” Victor smiled politely. 

A lull in the conversation ensued. Both awkwardly taking a sip from their glasses, Connor’s just water this time.

“I figured that the flukes earlier… were more mental than tactical, so once everything had been cleared, I knew you could do it,” Victor broke the silence. Conor was unsure how to respond he just smiled, blushed a little. 

“Yeah… I’m glad about the outcome, just wished things had gone down a little… differently,” Conor said, his face moving with the strain of the last syllables, looking into his glass. 

Conor stepped back and leaned against the brick wall. A serious look fell over Victor's face. They stared at each other for a second. 

“I wish I could have been a better Captain, role model even,” Victor said. 

Conor looked at him questioningly. 

“You know, set a better example, for the team, for you…”

“You did more than good, Victor.”

“You know what I mean.” Victor took a step forward. 

Conor looked at him. Confusion visible on his face.

“I don’t think I do…” Conor almost said more but Victor took another step forward and suddenly he felt a hand on his cheek and lips on his.

Fuck. Conor kissed him back of course, but how was this happening? Conor moved his hand to Victors waist, and kissed him deeper. Conor and Victor had both managed to put down their glasses on a ledge without stopping the kiss. He was surprised by Victor’s control. The hand on his cheek keeping his head in place, the other on the wall next to his head, the way it felt like he was almost closing in around Conor. It almost made him feel safe enough to forget that someone might see them or Ned walking in on a very awkward scene. Surely, he’d be confused about the escalation while he was gone. Victor had moved his kisses to Conor jaw, then right below his ear. Fuck. Who knew that the same pub where his dad had dismissed the gay part of him was going to be the place, another gay rugby player was going to kiss him. 

Conor broke the kiss and whispered: “Ned’s gonna come back any second now.”

Victor just looked at him and nodded. “Follow me,” he commanded.

Conor quickly did the math. Leave Ned with no information, and alone at a pub with people he could barely stand or follow the attractive older boy who was willing to kiss him? Yeah, it was easy. Conor nodded. Ned would be fine, Sherry and his partner would be inside somewhere, he could chat with them. It was fine, no time for morals.  
Victor led them around the pub just to the back alley. It was a little sketchy but nothing would happen in this small town. He hoped at least. Victor jumped up on a half-wall and sat on it cross-legged. Conor eyed him suspiciously, but when Victor pulled out a joint from his inner pocket, he jumped up and joined him.

“Didn’t expect the Captain to partake in such unhealthy and immoral things.” Conor joked.

Victor grinned at him and pulled a black lighter with some writing he couldn’t quite see to light it. He inhaled deeply to get it going a few times. 

“Have you smoked before? I don’t want to pressure you or anything. No participation required.” 

Conor shook his head no. Victor raised his eyebrows to get a second answer. 

“I want to. It’s fine, first times for everything right?” He smiled.

“Right.” Victor looked him in the eyes. “Okay let me show you something. All you need to do is inhale. It’ll make it easier.” Conor wasn’t stupid, he knew what Victor was doing, but he played along.

“Okay.” 

Victor inhaled deeply and leaned forward. He formed a tunnel with a fist and placed it on Conor’s mouth. Conor’s heart was beating fast as he starred into Victor’s blue eyes so close to his. He felt Victor blowing the smoke out and inhaled. They parted and Conor held it in for a bit and exhaled the small amount of smoke that had made it to his lungs. Victor leaned in once again but this time he just kissed Conor gently. He continued smoking for a bit, shotgunning with Conor every now and then. Then he passed Conor the joint. 

“I think you’re ready for your promotion.”

“If you think so, Captain,” Conor countered with a smile.

He noticed Victor staring intently at his lips as he placed the joint between his lips and inhaled. When his eyes flickered back up, Conor held his gaze. He exhaled smoothly. Very glad that Victor had introduced the rough smoke slowly. He wasn’t sure he wouldn’t have coughed otherwise. They smoked in silence. Eyes fretting a bit, limbs loosening. 

The last bit of the joint burned out in a loose grip in Victor's hand resting on the rough wall as he kissed Conor for what seemed like forever. It eventually fell to the ground and the hand had found a new place at the back of Conor’s head. Conor could feel the denim strained over Victor’s thigh on his palm and the soft cotton of Victor’s hoodie under his fingertips. They felt like tv static. 

As lost as they were in their little world of snogging and foggy minds, they were quickly pulled from it by the sound of a throat being cleared.  
They quickly separated and their heads snapping towards the sound. Sherry was standing a few meters away looking a little pleased and mischievous. 

“I didn’t want to interrupt the lovely display of teen infatuation, however, the lot is taking the train back now, but you might want to find a different wagon than our lovely headmaster if the smell of marijuana and quite possibly the look of your eyes, isn’t going to earn you a few weeks of detention, at the least.” 

Sherry smiled sheepishly at them and turned around and walked away. 

“Might wanna cover up those hickeys too!” His voiced drawled, the smile on his face audible in his voice. 

Conor looked at Victor and smiled while reaching out for the dark spot on his neck. 

“We better go.”

Victor nodded and tied his hoodie tightly to conceal the hickey.

Back at the station, the boys had separated. Ned and looked at Conor suspiciously but Conor told him he’d tell him later why he had disappeared. Victor was with the group of older boys still around. Conor wondered if he was getting as interrogated as he was being by Ned, who was a little mad he hadn’t been around for Conor’s first time smoking. Apparently, that was his right as a music enthusiast. Conor didn’t quite understand that logic. 

The next few days at school were a little weird. Conor and Victor didn’t have many classes together as Victor was a grade above him. They only saw each other at mealtimes or at night. Practice had stopped mostly now the season was over. Conor mostly ate with Ned, so not much more than a few looks across the dining hall or dorm rooms while the group was hanging out made up most of their contact. 

Conor was walking out of the empty library one evening when he felt his arm being grabbed. He was pulled into an aisle of books and quickly recognized the face before him. 

“Victor? What are-“ He was cut off quickly by Victor turning him around and pushing his back into the shelf. The thought of books possibly being knocked down crossed Conor’s mind before all thought was cut off by Victor kissing him fiercely. Victor only pulled away while after. 

“Man, I missed this. We need to figure out how to see each other more. Before the break.”

Conor nodded. Winter break. Right. “I know a place, but I’m not sure how to sneak off without people asking questions. Unless you don’t mind them asking questions?” 

They hadn’t actually talked about Victor not being out to the team. Or anyone, as much as Conor knew. 

“In a place this small it might be hard for people to not notice. I mean I can use winter exams as an excuse to be away, and I don’t mind you telling Ned. If you want to, that is.”

“Okay. Sounds good. Now, the place I was thinking does pose the threat of Ned walking in but that’s fine he is chill.”

“Yeah, he is. Where, then?”

Conor and Victor had met up in the abandoned music room under the stage. After Conor and Ned had not encountered anyone there while practising, Conor had deemed it the safest option. Conor had simply told Ned what was going on as he had already been caught up the night after the game, but Victor showed up with books to keep up his theatrics. 

“I understand why you never came out. Not in that environment.” Conor had said one evening they were listening to music. Turns out Victor also had some taste. Some. 

“I just wanted to get through rugby and school drama free. It sucks that it would have made it more difficult. At least I thought it would. But look what happened with you. No one cared, only that you were good at rugby. Maybe I should have as well…”

“Well it was different for you, you didn’t have a you.” Conor looked at Victor and brushed his cheek. 

They kissed for a bit. Conor felt relieved that he did have a Victor. Someone who had valued him as a player in that locker room and on the field when it had mattered. But also, now that he knew, as someone who understood. As someone who wanted him.  
It was nice being friends with Ned. It was really nice to have a best friend who also understood. In a world where people didn’t understand, the best thing to do was surround yourself with people who did. 

Conor had never expected to feel small around anyone. He was tall and broad and most people looked small compared to him. But there was something about the way Victor carried himself and acted when they were together. Maybe it was just Victor being in control and older but Conor heavily enjoyed it. The way Victor would press him into the couch. His hands around his wrists as he placed them above his head. 

“Maybe after the break, we should just go public. It’d be much easier. Also, I kinda want to see Pascal's face.” Victor chuckled at the thought  
.  
“Are you sure?” Conor looked up at him, concern on his face. 

Conor made it back just in time for the last room check and got into bed. Break was in two weeks. He wondered how break was going to go. Christmas wasn’t exactly the most fun at his house. They would often go to his aunts and uncles house for a few days. He also wondered if he could convince his parents to let him stay home, that way he could have Victor over in an empty house. He liked the idea of that. Ned was flying to Dubai for the holiday so he wouldn’t see him the entire break. But he figured it was alright. They did live in close quarters for the rest of the year. 

They continued meeting up in the spare moments they had but sadly, as good as an excuse winter exams were, it was also true, and they did need to study. They were sitting in the library late one night studying together when Weasel plopped down on a chair next to them. He was as loud and obnoxious as usual but lately it had been in a more desperate attempt to make up with Conor for how everything had gone down. Conor didn’t want to old grudges but he couldn’t help but to still feel a little hurt. The air was tense as Weasel rambled off about nothing in particular. Conor and Victor shared a pointed look. The hint of a small smile crept on to Conors face. Restless as ever Weasel got up to browse books, his monologue undisturbed. When he had his back turned Conor made a lewd gesture and a matching expression to Victor and got a kick in the shins and a deep blush in return. He snickered. A little too loudly maybe, as Weasel whipped around. 

“What are you two giggling about?” His voice a little defensive. Arms crossed.

“Your incredible ability to talk about absolutely nothing for an infinite amount of time.” Victor poked and stared at him, a happy glimt in his eyes. Weasel smacked him on his head, muttered his goodbyes and left them alone. 

The library was empty and after a few loaded glances they silently returned to their books. After a while Conor felt Victors leg moving up his own. He shot him a look. Victor closed his book. Conor followed suit. They scrambled to gather their things and hurried to music room.

As soon as they made it through the door they dropped their bags and Victor lunged forward. Conor gripped at his shirt to steady himself and stumbled through the room until his knees hit the couch and he fell backwards. The worry of break and the tension that had built up fueled the frenzy. 

“Will you come stay with me?” Conor blurted out. 

Victor stopped his kisses and lifted himself over Conor. He looked down at him quizzically.

“Stay? When? Where? For how long?” 

“My parents are going to be away for a few days. After Christmas. I- I just- I don’t know. It was dumb.” 

Conor tried pulling Victor down for more kissing but Victor stayed in place. 

“It’s not dumb. Were you worried I wouldn’t want to? I like you, Conor, I like you, like a lot. I’d love to come.” 

Conor avoided his eyes and blushed. He muttered a hesitant okay. 

He glanced at Victor quickly, “I like you, too, you know…” 

He fiddled with the collar of Victor's sweater. 

“What are you going to tell your parents when you come to mine?” Conor looked at Victor, his expression unreadable. 

“That I am going to my boyfriends for a few days if I am going to be that lucky to call you that by then,” Victor smirked at him and Conor grinned and slapped Victor's chest lightly. 

“Of course you can.” 

Victor finally kissed him again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter Break and Conor has a confrontation with his dad. Victor and him also take the next step but it's not explicit or anything. Just pre and post scenes.

He and his mom and driven Ned to the big train station a few days ago. On the way back the silence was suffocating. His mother had finally broken the silence by asking if he and Ned were anything more than friends. Conor had almost choked on his breath. He denied it but asked why she had thought so. Apparently, the sheer fact that Ned seemed, “a lot like you in that regard,” was all she needed to assume they were a couple. He had never actually really talked to his parents about everything. He was sorta forced out of the closet by everything that had gone down at his old school. Well, he got fed up and didn’t want to go along with it when his dad had said that it obviously wasn’t true in the meeting with the principle. Conor had just blurted out: “Well, what if it is? Then what?”   
His father was already an ass and the last pieces of their relationship had crumbled along with his idea of who is son was and was going to be. His mother had just stayed silent and defended his father and while she seemed a little shocked and anxious she behaved pretty much like she always had so that had been something. This was the first time she had ever approached the subject in the past 9 months since everything had gone down. 

Conor didn’t know how to talk about it, but part of him wanted to. Whether she was comfortable or not. Whether he was or not. 

“But…” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

“But you fancy him?” His mother tried, a gentleness in her voice.

“No. No, it’s not like that. He is just my best mate. But, also, I do have a boyfriend.” 

The last part barely made it out audibly. 

“Oh really?” His mother almost sounded delighted. He couldn’t quite believe it. “Well, if not Ned then who is it?”

“Uhm, you met Victor, right? He is the Captain of our team.” 

He looked at his mothers face to gauge her reaction.

“Yes, I did, I believe. But, the Captain? Well, you always were devoted to rugby, I’ll give you that.” 

A smile tucked on her lips and Conor giggled. They laughed. 

Conor had just enjoyed the moment. Not wanting to spoil it. Later when they were having tea in the kitchen, he had asked her how she was calm about everything. She admitted her nervousness and avoidance had been more about his dad and their relationship than her own feelings. But she also said she did need some time and that she was just sorry she hadn’t brought it up last time he was home for fall break. Conor had admitted he also wasn’t ready then so it was alright. The moment was interrupted by his dad walking in the front door and into the kitchen. When he asked what they were chatting about his mother looked at him for guidance. Your decision her eyes said. He gave a small nod. She turned to her husband. 

“We were just chatting about everything that’s been going on this past year.”

He remained silent but calm. She continued, “We were finally ready talk about everything,” she looked at Conor for permission to continue, he gave it to her. 

“Conor has a boyfriend now.” 

A heavy silence filled the room. His mother started speaking again like it didn’t happen. 

“You must remember the Captain of the team, surely? Victor, he is called.” 

They sat gripping their almost empty teacups, tensely waiting for his response. 

“Well, rugby has always been a bit of a queer sport, hasn’t it? No wonder you’d find a boyfriend there, the Captain no less.” 

He then exited the room and went upstairs. 

Conor looked at his mom. 

“Queer sport, what the fuck?” Conor laughed. She joined him. 

His dad was always a little awkward but at least he seemed somewhat okay and not completely opposed. Probably just needed to get used to it. Conor was relieved but part of him also was upset that he had to be okay with people “adjusting”. But for his dad, and especially his mother, he would be. The anger inside would have to burn out quietly. 

They hadn’t let Conor stay home the entire time but agreed to let him go home two days earlier. It had taken a lot of convincing now that they knew of Victor's existence. So here he was, in the back of the car driving to his aunt and uncles. He texted Victor letting him know when he would be back. Victor texted back quickly with hilariously explicit text and Conor couldn’t keep the chuckle in. His mother sent him a look through the rearview mirror. He just shrugged at her and sent a text back to Victor. They were joking around a lot but Conor was in reality very nervous about Victor coming to spend the night. He had messed around a little before Victor, hence all the rumours at his old school, but there were certain lines he hadn’t crossed. Not yet, at least. 

By the time they were having dinner with his extended family, Conor had spiralled into a silent panic. He was mechanically scooping food into his mouth while the thoughts were racing. The sound of his name spoken by his uncle pulled him from his mind. He looked up. 

“So, I heard you won the finale with your new school. Congratulations. I am sure you played well.” 

Conor wiped his mouth before replying: “Thank you, my teammates are a year above me so they are probably more the cause in reality.”

“Now, don’t undersell yourself, son. You played very well.” His dad chimed in. “Conor gets along splendidly with his team.”

“Well yeah, after everything settled. And then maybe a little a too well,” he said with a smile, mostly to himself, moving peas about on his plate. 

He looked up at his uncles questioning eyes, and his dad looking about ready to explode from stress about what Conor was going to say. 

“After what settled, Conor?” His uncle asked innocently.

Conor stared his dad dead in the eyes. He could feel his mother tense next to him and all the eyes of his cousins and odd aunts and uncles on him. 

“Well, it’s a bit of a story but long story short,” Conor drew in a breath, a dangerous angry calm settled over him when he saw how close his dad was to stepping in, “I was a fool for thinking what made me change schools wouldn’t follow me there. But, once I just got over myself and came out to my team everything turned out just fine. I mean we won the cup because of my kick so it wasn’t like they could complain anyway. ‘” Conor shrugged and kept his dads gaze for a bit longer. 

“Let me get this right,” his cousin said, “came out? As in you’re gay?” His eyes wide but in amazement.

Conor nodded, “Yeah, to top it off, I am dating my Captain now.” 

He took a bite of food containing a smirk and watched his family descent into a state of shock. 

His cousin just elbowed his sister and said in a low voice, “We are slowly taking over this family. One by one.” 

Conor heard, but he isn’t sure anyone else did. All too busy processing. 

“Well, good that everything turned out fine. Boys can be absolutely horrible to each other.” His aunt said to put the moment to rest. 

“Oh, we still are,” Conor said, thinking of how he treated Ned and felt awful, but it must have come out differently because everyone laughed. 

The meal continued. Conor glanced at his dad who gave him a stone cold look. Conor felt the anger return. Simmering.

It wasn’t long until Conors dad got them into a room with a closed door to reprimand Conor for his, indiscretion. 

“You cant just drop something like that at Christmas, Conor! It’s inappropriate!” His dad said in a violent but hushed voice. Conor was seething.

“Fuck you, no it isn’t! It was completely reasonable for me to bring it up. It was an important part of the championship and my own life!” Conor had stepped up to his dad but he feared what would come his way. 

“Do you really want everyone to know? Not only that you’re queer but also that you are screwing around with your Captain?” His dad exclaimed. His hands coming up in an exasperated gesture.

“Is that also what you thought when Thomas said he had gotten a girlfriend at easter? That they were just screwing around? That it was inappropriate to bring up? No, you didn’t. I bet you thought it was wonderful he had found someone. But no, because we are queers we aren’t capable of anything but sinful fucking, are we? God, I was such a fool for thinking you were even remotely okay this. You were just pretending for mum because you know how close she is to leaving you! Why are you so ashamed?” 

Conor turned to leave and hurried down the stairs and only stopping to get his coat. 

“Conor! Stay here! We are not done!” His dad yelled as he had opened the front door.

Conor turned around to yell back, anger clear in his voice, “No! I am going back home to screw my boyfriend because that’s apparently all we are good for.” He slammed the door behind him. The cold hit him like wall and made him acutely aware of what a scene he had caused and how everyone probably heard. 

He started running towards the station. Once he was sitting in the train on his way home, he texted Victor, telling him he was coming back already and to be at his house in 20 minutes. 

Victor was sitting on the steps in front of his house when Conor came down the street. Victor stood up and barely got a greeting out before Conor had gotten the door opened and was dragging Victor inside by his sleeve. 

“Why are you back already? What’s going on?” Alarm in Victor's voice clear. 

Conor just shrugged him off. He dragged Victor upstairs and opened a door. Victor dropped his bag and jacket once he was inside. He pushed Victor on to the bed and straddled his lap.

“What are you doing?” Victor asked concerned, and a little intrigued. 

“We are going to have sex right now. Is that alright?” Conor said impatiently.

“Uhm… Conor are you okay? I have never seen you like this, well not outside rugby.” 

“I’m fine. Can we please just do this, if you are cool with it?” 

Conor leaned down and kissed Victor. Victor was hesitant but gave in and Conor started rocking on him, wanting to speed things up. 

Victor broke the kiss and moaned. He flipped them around slid a leg between Conor's thighs. Conor felt Victor kissing his neck. It felt good, really good. Conor opened his eyes and was met with the off white of his parents' bedroom ceiling. A weird knot had formed in his stomach. And he couldn’t quite tell if it was unravelling or tightening. He closed his eyes again and pushed his attention on to Victor. The nervousness he had felt earlier had been burnt out of him. 

He tucked at Victor's jumper and Victor sat up to take it and his shirt off. He mirrored the action on Conor and dove back in to kiss him. 

Once the kissing wasn’t enough anymore Victor's hand moved from Conor's hair to his belt, “Is this okay?” he whispered in Conor's ear.

“Yes, now hurry.” Conor sat up so he was once again straddling Victor. Trousers came off quickly, and suddenly Conor couldn’t have things go fast enough. 

Conor was starring at the ceiling once more. A large water stain discolouring the already unappealing colour. He felt better. But also a little numb. He could hear and feel Victor panting under him. He had thought doing it on his parents' bed would somehow get him back at his dad but he was still upset now that the bliss of being close to Victor was wearing off. The warmth of Victor's chest and arm was comforting but didn’t solve his issues with his father despite how much he wanted it to.

“We are doing that again. Just give me a minute or two,” Victor chuckled. 

Despite himself, Conor did as well.

“Yeah, I think I need a minute as well.” 

He snuggled closer to Victor.

“Do you want to tell me what spurred all of this in the meanwhile? I mean obviously, my exquisite texts played a part but it wasn’t supposed to come into effect for another day or two.” 

Victor tried to be light but Conor just felt sad when thinking about what had happened.

“I had a massive and somewhat public fight with my dad and just stormed out,” Conor said not wanting to elaborate and Victor seemed to get it. 

So, Victor started talking about rugby training once they would return to school. And Conor was grateful for the easy break.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if the formatting is a bit weird I am still figuring it out.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments.


End file.
